Diaries to a Lover
by Inc and Ivory
Summary: So the thirt part of my story about Minerva and her Mistery Man after his death she wonders what kind of man he really was...
1. Dear Minerva

AN: here we go again^^ so as always, have fun and no I own nothing not even my mystery Death Eater. I know I said it would be a story duo but I just had this feeling that something is missing so yeah here we are. Please read "Pride" and "Just her" first or I think you will have a problem to understand this one.

Oh and Geniia this one is for you as a little thanks for your support^^ I hope you like it!

* * *

It had been so long ago.

And still.

She remembered the last moment of his life.

All the time that thought of him, prayed to the heavens for his soul.

Had he gone to heaven?

Unlikely!

Someone had told her that only good people without sin could go to heaven.

He had been a sinner of the worst kind, and something told her that he never regretted what he had done.

He had not been the kind of guy that would regret anything, hadn't he?

Maybe! She didn't know or sure, she never knew anything for sure anymore. Not since he died.

Minerva looked out of the window like every day, hoping for some sign something to hold on to.

A knock on the door pulled her daydreams, dreams that had her encircled in his arms without a war between them, without Voldemort, without magic.

"Come in!" she called to the unknown intruder on the other side of the door.

Through the door of the headmaster office stepped Draco Malfoy with a little smile on his always cold smile on his face.

"Professor I'm sorry to be barging in on you without owling first but I had a minute time and my mother wanted you to get these." He placed a rather large bag on her desk smiling even wider. "Mom found them in one of the Death Eater quarters while helping the elves cleaning up the manor. She says that she is sorry but she has no idea who lived there but she thinks that what he wrote into them was somehow meant for you anyway." He nodded towards the bag as if encouraging her to open it. So she did!

Inside where books! At last thirty, probably more. She grabbed one out of the depths of the bad and opened it hesitantly. It was full of small, neat, sharp handwriting.

_Dear Minerva,_

_Do you know I'm still thinking of you every day?_

_Dreaming myself back to you on that rooftop, forgetting everything around me until someone asks me rather rude if Askaban did that to me, that I can't concentrate on a task for more then a few minutes …_

Diaries!

Could it be…?

Could they belong…?

Was it possible…?

Good Merlin!

Heavens!

"Dear gods out there in heaven o hell or where ever… good god thank you!", she whispered kissing the book, pressing it to her chest like her live depended on it, tears running down the proud, seemingly emotionless professors face.

Draco titled his head to the side, looking at his former transfiguration teacher in awe.

"So you know who wrote these? Excuse my bluntness but, … professor I never thought that you where that kind of girl!"

Minerva opened her eyes and looked at him, a tiny smile tugging at her lips.

"Yes and no Mr. Malfoy." he raised an eyebrow at her answer but said nothing, hoping for a better explanation.

"yes I know who wrote them, but no can't tell you his name. I don't know his name!", she confessed quietly.

"Well, my mother couldn't resist reading through most of them and he never mentioned who he is, nor gave he information about events he attended that could identify him. My mother's fantasy went havoc and she even toyed with the idea that it could be one or the torturers that escaped from Askaban at some point and that you had a secret love affair with him! Father had to tell her that the torturers would never entertain any kind of sexual relationship, to get her down from her romantic overdrive." he snickered.

"I think you've said enough now Mr. Malfoy now! And tell Narcissa that I only saw him twice! The first time was in my seventh year at school when he found me at the top of the astronomy tower as I wanted to jump of it and the second time when he was killed by bill Weasley right in front of my eyes in the final battle. We never had the time for a secret love affair or sexual relationship of any kind.", Minerva hissed a little upset about the way the boy had put it all.

Draco looked at her s if she had slapped him and then bowed his head guiltily, realizing that he had gone to far.

"Good day Mr. Malfoy!"

She turned back to the window waiting for him to leave before bolting back to the diaries on her desk.

Eager to read what he had thought over all these years.

What ha been going on in his head?

What had been going on in his heart?

What kind of man had been under the death eater exterior?

_Dear Minerva,_

_So long!_

_So damn long!_

_How long? _

_I have not the slightest idea how long,_

_Too long to stand!_

_I want you in my arms, where you belong._

_I want to bury my face in that soft, long hair of yours._

_I want to sell you in my clothes, my bedsheets, Merlin even on my own skin!_

…

She forcefully shut the book and pushed it away dry heaving, shaking with tearless sobs_._

She couldn't it hurt to much!

His hand had written these words!

_His_ hand!

Those were his thoughts!

That was _HIM_!

Oh how good she understood what he was talking about in these diaries, they could be hers!

Still sobbing she reached out to another book.

_Dearest Love,_

_It's so dark!_

_I can't see the light…_

_It's so cold!_

_I'm scared!_

_Save me…_

_Please my angel! Please!_

_My angel…_

_My Light…_

_My warmth…_

_My life…_

_Save me!_

_Hold me close!_

_Carry me away from this place!_

_Be mine!_

_Be mine!_

_Let me feel you…_

_Let me breathe…_

_I can't breathe._

_It's so cold!_

_Where are you?_

_Angel?_

_Love?_

_Minerva?_

_Minerva…_

She couldn't read on.

It was too much to know that this proud man pleaded to this books, pleaded to her to rescue him from darkness and cold… from his life!

But he loved her!

He called her his love!

His angel!

He asked her to be his! She had always been his, she was his still and she would always be his!

The last book must have been fro a time when he had been somewhere wet and dirty… Askaban?

She took a book that looked new; it must bee the last one he started. There were still empty pages.

_To day there was a raid again my love._

_I saw your friends from the order. _

_One his me with a curse pretty bad. _

_It will heal… it always does._

_Dearest Minerva,_

_I killed a young girl today._

_She pleaded with me…_

_She looked so much like you on the tower._

_So desperate… so scared!_

_She told me she didn't want to die unkissed. Have you ever been kissed my love?_

_I kissed her and she clung to me as if her life depended on it._

_Well her life did depend on it. Or more precisely the moment of her death depended on it not the event itself._

_I gave her a quick death while our lips were still locked so she wouldn't notice it happening._

_No torture, no rape, no cruelty!_

_You would have been proud!_

_Dear Minerva,_

_There was a battle with Aurors today._

_I brought one of them down with the bone burning curse._

_It was so easy!_

_Os Ardens can't be stopped with shield charms, he should have hopped out of the way._

_Your little pinky headed friend called me a monster when she realized what spell hit her friend._

_Is that what I am?_

_A monster?_

_Is there anything left of me at all?_

_Anything tat is not Death Eater?_

She looked up and out of the window for a moment.

Tonks had told her about this event. How the Death Eater moved like a dancing cat that had eaten the canary.

_Dearest Love,_

_There is a little Muggle girl in the dungeons._

_She sings this song all the time._

_I think it somehow fits us my love._

"_Well I am what you see  
I am not what they say  
but if I turned out to be  
could you love me anyway  
I'm staying anonymous  
hoping your heart  
will just wake up and ask for me by name  
Maybe someday you will ask for me by name  
just not today"_

_Will you do that Minerva?_

_Will you someday call my name into the darkness for me to hear and answer you?_

_Will you do that for me one day?_

_Hallo my love,_

_I nearly did something good today._

_Nearly!_

_The little girl asked me to let her go._

_I did!_

_She made it out of the house and down to the gate._

_The wards killed her._

_I pulled them up again the moment she stepped through the gate because I feared for my own life._

_Minerva…_

_I think I am what they say…_

_Do you love me anyway?_

_Minerva?_

Yes she did!

…


	2. Hell And Heaven

AN: as always have fun dearies^^ it's a little dark this time but don't let it bother you. well _I _can see the light in the dark^^ and I hope you can find it too.

_Dear Minerva,_

_We captured some half-bloods tonight._

_At this very moment one of them is writhing to my feet in pain._

_Avery fed him some potion that makes him live through his worst nightmares over and over without waking up while really experiencing the damage that happens to him in his dreams._

_And there they go telling ME I'm a monster!_

_Monster… pha… _

_They haven't seen me going monster yet._

_Well there is no time better then now to show them! Let's show them why I earn the title torturer!_

_Woohoo… unleash the insanity and shut your mind down this is going to be bloody!_

The entry broke of and continued a little bit lower with blood stains all over the writing. Minerva felt the bale rising in her throat and heaved.

Good god he had been a torturer!

Not just one of the murdering followers and not even one of the guys for the rough dirty work.

No he had been one of the few to come with night and mist crashing down on their victims not leaving a single one unharmed and alive.

His job had not been to kill but to force out information or state examples.

Her proud saviour had been one of the nameless makes that left the small children alive but insane and physically damaged to a degree that not even magic could help them to survive another night.

The ministry had known that say existed but they where faceless creatures in black cloaks and silver masks with one single red stripe over the bridge of the nose. These special masks were shorter then the normal ones ending with the nose travelling just a little down over the cheekbones, they where only worn when the Death Eaters with title of torturers came for someone on this specific task.

Not even there fellow Death Eaters know who as hidden behind these masks.

She read on and couldn't believe her eyes… he described a meeting and named every single person attending… as well as every one who was absent. Commenting on them, if they were marked or under the Imperius, listing crimes to every single sole. Half of them had gone undiscovered in the trails after the war. As much as she dreaded it, she had to show the diary to an Auror so they could. In his pleas for forgiveness at the end of the page he started to o into detail and she had to shut the book.

He had been insane!

Maybe he had been insane from the start and Askaban just destroyed what little of his sanity was left… but then there where this parts where he seemed so broken and hurt, so badly in love and so… vulnerable!

It seemed as if there where two people in one and the same body. No not exactly.

More like he could shut down every emotion and thinking when he started to go to work.

He could minimise his mind to pure logical acting with the one goal to inflict as much pain as possible for as long as possible.

The teacher in her wondered if he had been able to do that in every situation and with other goals and maybe even emotions.

The loving women in her wanted to hit him first for being who he was and than kiss the pain away hat his crimes caused him.

Because that was what had clearly happened after he finished his tasks, every thing that append after Askaban hurt him nearly as much as his victims.

He pleaded for forgiveness but refused to regret, instead he spend as much time in his own little world as possible. The world in the back of his head in which she held him tightly pressed to her body, where he was only a man and not a killer.

_Dear my Love,_

_Do you know that bathing time is my most favourite time of the day now?_

_Why?_

_Because no one walks in to go on my nerves!_

_No one interrupts my thoughts and I can dream myself into your arms again._

_It's a peaceful dream._

_Would you like to hear it?_

_Can you imagine how if would feel?_

_Both of us together in the tub…_

_My back leaning against you chest while you lean on the edge._

_I'm sitting between your tights my head resting on your shoulder._

_Your legs are wrapped around my waist feet crossed._

_I stroke your calves lightly with my fingertips._

_You kiss the side of my face a little, small sweet butterfly kisses._

_Your arms encircle my chest your hands playing with a sponge._

_It feels so good!_

_It is so peaceful!_

_Sitting in the warm water just relishing in he feel of skin on skin._

_Living for the closeness to the other!_

_Our privet piece of heaven!_

Entries like this made her sight deeply and dream his dreams for a while.

He was right!

It was heaven!


	3. Right Kind Of Wrong

AN: I hope you like this one. Have fun and if you have any questions just review and ask. I promise I will answer in no time and as good as I can.

As you all know I own nothing and by the way the song from the last chapter is called "You'll ask for me" from Tylor Hilton.

* * *

Minerva made her way through a crowd of people to a little table in the back of the Three Broomsticks where Tonks was already waiting for her. The younger woman squirmed in her chair rather uncomfortably. Of cause the possibility to get a hole less list of the Death Eaters gave her thrills but the thought of how Minerva had gotten her hands on such a list made her… well she didn't want to know where this list came from.

With an exhausted sight Minerva sank down on a chair opposite the Auror and smiled reassuringly at her.

"Stop squirming Dora, there is no reason to worry. The diary came to me on an absolutely legal way and as is looks was even meant for me to begin with. Before I give it to you I have to say something else through." Minerva sighted again looking down on their hands on the table. "I don't want anyone to know that the diary comes from me as well as I want you to not mention that the writer addressed me when he wrote all these things. I only met him once and that was long before I started fighting against Voldemort and maybe even before he joined the Death Eaters."

Tonks looked even more uncomfortable than before. "Minerva, tell me were you involved with him during the war? If so then as your friend I can't take the diary. Have you ever let him run away when you could have caught him? Have you ever not send a spell his way when you had the chance for a good shot? Have you ever given him the favour in battle over one of us? If you did that would be betrayal! If you did, and the ministry finds out not even Harry would be able to save you!" Tonks couldn't look at her; her entire speech addressed the tablecloth.

"No Dora I told you I only saw him once. In my last year at Hogwarts we met on the Astronomy Tower. He gave me a piece of his mind about me jumping of a roof top and trying to kill myself in general. After yelling at me like a banshee he made his exit and the next time I got a glimpse of him was when Bill Weasley sent him to hell. In all the years in between it was like he didn't even exist. Narcissa Malfoy found his diaries in the Manor and send them to me trough Draco because each not started with dear Minerva. I never betrayed anyone! Well maybe I betrayed him at some point but never the Order!" Minerva hissed dangerously quiet, wanting to jell but finding that she couldn't with all the people around her.

"I'm sorry Minerva. I just wanted to be sure. I know that you would never have endangered anyone even if you had seen him during the war but I don't think the Ministry would believe you so easily. They are completely paranoid at the moment. Hopefully the list will help to calm them down." Tonks looked up and smiled at her hoping to soothe the older witches temper.

"Now that this is out of our systems let's have a look at this highly interesting diary of yours. Am I allowed to read a little more then just the list?"

Minerva shook her had in an annoyed manner and retrieved the book out of her cloak pocket without another word. Reading an entry Tonks face went read and she quickly threw a silencing charm around them so there where no listeners.

"Minerva what the hell…?" Tonks opened and closed her mouth a few times before reading aloud what had her knickers in such a knot.

_Dear Minerva,_

_Have you ever tried to wash blood of you hands after beating someone's face until you couldn't recognize them anymore?_

_Well today I did!_

_The Dark Lord called us and ordered Lucius in the middle of the circle. I don't think he knew what was coming._

_Lucius just came back from a successful mission and was so proud of him self that he didn't saw me beside the Dark Lord. _

_He ordered the others the close the holes in the circle and I could see comprehension downing on Lucius face. If he knew for what he was punished I don't know. But by the way he screamed and tried to talk him self out of it seamed he did. _

_After the Dark Lord delivered a few curses I took over._

_It was interesting._

_I have never been ordered to punish someone without using my wand. _

_With the first blows I hurt myself more then Lucius but after while I figured it out. _

_I completely lost track of time, but as it is nearly dusk now and I started around noon…_

_Something tells me that I will be sore tomorrow…_

After some other bits and bits of his crimes and even finding a list of all his victims complete with the way he killed them and the place the bodies where hidden Tonks shut the book and looked at Minerva.

"You say there are more diaries… are they all like this one?"

Minerva looked down at the innocent blue book that held such horrible secrets of a murderer and wonderful sweet musings of a lover at the same time.

"Mostly they are but there are places where he just writes sweet nothingness. Things a couple would overlook as daily routine seam to be heaven for him."

She opened the book at a particular page and pushed it over to the wary looking Auror.

"I don't know if I want to read about the perverted things a Death Eater like that one would like to do with his girlfriend! The man was completely… evil!" Tonks murmured but reading none the less.

_Dear Minerva,_

_I can't sleep._

_The old snake fucking nose less stick in the ass of a Muggle whores son told me to take a potion._

_But it I take a potion I wont be able to dream myself into your embrace an what use would sleep have if I can't do that._

_What would I do if I couldn't hold on to you at nigh?_

_If I couldn't imagine smelling your sent in my sheets? _

_If I couldn't imagine your skin under my fingertips?_

_How would I survive without hearing your voice whispering little secrets into my ear while you're pressed against me tightly?_

_Your voice…_

_You where so hard and cold when you voted in the ministry for my death!_

_Death would have been the milder punishment. _

_The moment an Auror gets his hands on me, the moment I loose a battle I swear I will slice my own throat before I go back to Askaban._

_I already had my fair share of Dementors!_

_I can't sleep…_

_I want to feel your warmth beside me._

_I want to know for once in my life that someone is watching over my sleep._

_Someone who cares!_

_Someone to hold me close and keeps away the nightmares._

_Someone warm and soft._

_I want to fall asleep in your warm, soft arms knowing that you will keep me safe._

_That I will wake up in the morning!_

_That I won't end up like McNair who got murdered while sleeping peacefully beside his wife._

_I want to be out of her!_

_Safe me!_

Tonks looked up with tears shining in her eyes.

"How can a man who murders people like other people change their clothes write something like that? How can a man love so deeply and follow a tyrant who says love is a flaw?"

Minerva smiled sadly at her.

"I don't know!"

"But does it matter? He never turned on Voldemort. He died wearing Death Eater robes. For you it doesn't matter if he loved and hurt and pitied and couldn't sleep at night. They all do you know."

Minerva stroked the book absentmindedly.

"They are all human no matter what crimes they committed. You want me to tell you something about him?"

Without realizing it she had started to talk herself into a rage and found that she couldn't stop now.

Tonks just looked at her dumbstruck.

"He spoke twelve languages fluently.

He would prefer eating dirt before he would touch carrots.

His favourite song was a Muggle song called "sous le vent".

The first thing he did in the morning was to apply glamours on scares on his arms.

He loved the moment when the sun flashed one last time on the horizon before sinking completely into the ocean.

He hated himself but never regretted anything."

A little out of breath after her rent Minerva stood.

"Just send the diary back when the Aurors are through with it. I have to think!"

She stormed out of the pub wondering when she lost her temper the last time like that.

_Dear my Love,_

_Today I was down in the dungeons and saw potter crawl out of his cell with the weasel._

_He didn't see me…_

_The freshis that came down with me to learn the rough work saw him._

_They wanted to stop them._

_They wanted to call for Bella…_

_Minerva…_

_I broke their necks…_

_Minerva…_

_I killed my own students to keep my enemy save!_

_I saved fucking Potters ass…_

_Am I loosing my mind?_

_If they find out I'm a dead man!_

_If anyone finds out…_


	4. Rewards And Razors

AN: As always I own nothing! Have fun and ask me if you have questions.

* * *

_Dear Minerva,_

_They started missing my apprentices and sent me disposing of them for disobedience._

_Funny isn't it?_

_Such Irony!_

_No one thought that I might have something to do with their sudden disappearing._

_Of cause no one would charge against me!_

_Why should they?_

_For a moment I forgot that I'm nothing but the lapdog that is constantly tied tightly to his master's throne!_

_For a moment I thought that I am an actual human being to someone._

_How could I forget that the Dark Lord thinks of some little girls in my bed as a reward for good service?_

_As if I would ever touch unwilling flesh!_

_In the nearly fifty-fife years of my live I am proud to say that I never ever forced myself on a woman!_

_Why should I?_

_In my mind and heart and soul there is no one but you._

_Why should I rape some girl that I don't even want to have?_

_Why does that shit-faced, mudblooded bustard think that I would appreciate fearful schoolgirls when I don't even want there willing mothers?_

_It's not like virgins are special fun._

_They cry…_

_They lay beneath you as if they were made of wood…_

_They are in pain…_

_Harsh movements make then sob…_

_No, virgins aren't any fun at all!_

_Truth be told, they always make this nice surprised little gasps when you hit a sweet spot._

_It's nice to know that have someone so pure and innocent wrapped around you but this feeling being somewhere where no one has been before is something for schoolboys. Boys can't appreciate it at that age but men really should keep their hands of schoolgirls when you crossed the line of twenty-fife!_

_Why do they always send me virgins?_

_Do they not realize that I send them back as untouched as they came?_

_Has no one told fucking Lord Voldemort, that I haven't slept with a woman since the day he sent me to Hogwarts, to place his little something in a save hiding place?_

Minerva laughed and put the book down.

This man was impossible!

Could it be that a healthy, intelligent, young man had resisted the lure of sex because his heart desired a girl he couldn't have? It was simply impossible!

She read on…

_A real reward would be to let me have my bed for my own, maybe the company of some good Firewhisky would be nice instead of two shaking girls who sob the whole night and are so afraid of me that they don't even dare to move._

_From the look in their eyes they can't believe that I didn't touch them during the night even after I told them to leave in the morning._

_Little Pansy Parkinson ran into Malfoy's arms at breakfast crying lucky tears as if there was no tomorrow…_

_Am I honestly that horrible?_

_The last time I looked into a mirror and really saw my face has been a while…_

_Should I stop avoiding mirrors?_

_I don't really need them… haven't shaved since before Askaban…_

_Charms are some practical stuff if you have to go to jail and are not allowed to keep a razor!_

_If I lift that spell there will be stubble in no time, and I will be forced to look into a mirror in order to get rid of it._

_Maybe you could shave me…_

It made her proud to read that he hadn't hurt the girls. She was even thankful that Pansy Parkinson had left his bed unharmed.

The man must have had a self control far better then what Minerva had always thought. Somewhat forty years without another human's warmth was a very long time. Especially for someone who seamed to know perfectly well about what he was talking when he described sex.

Minerva giggled girlishly.

Only he came up with such fantasies.

No normal man would fantasise about one of his enemies with a razor at his throat!

But then again, to him she was more of a lover then an enemy.

Shaving him…

Yes she would have liked that!

_Yes I think that would feel good!_

_Wouldn't it?_

_You carefully apply shaving cream to my jaw, cheeks, throat…_

_These beautiful hands of yours are completely covert in soft white foam and you try to clean them on the towel around my neck._

_I push you up against the sink and lift you up to sit on top of it._

_You try to kiss me without getting more shaving cream on yourself then absolutely necessary._

_Unable to resist I brush my cheek across your face._

_Insisting that you look much sexier with white foam all over your face._

_Laughing, you run some water in the sink and wet the razor._

_With a bright smile you hook two fingers into the waistband of my trousers pulling me between your legs and cross them behind my back to hold me in place._

_I hold onto the sink on ether side of your hips to steady myself, giving you another soft kiss._

_With a look of high concentration you push the razor against my skin._

_Enough pressure to shave, but not quiet enough to break the skin._

_You gently shave from jaw up to cheekbone, titling my head for better access. _

_When you finish wit my face you put on this special devilish smile and tip my head back to continue with my throat telling my how shaky I make your hands standing in between your thighs so that it would be entirely my fault if you slice my throat._

_Whipping of the remains of foam with the fluffy towel, you press small kisses to my neck and jaw line._

_Smiling you caress my face with the tip of your nose whispering about it being good that there is no stubble anymore, that otherwise you would look like Rudolf the reindeer later._

Yes he had been special!

With tears in her eyes Minerva pressed soft kisses onto the pages.

She closed her eyes tightly and imagined kissing his silky skin instead of the raw paper.

Oh how she wished she could do that to him!

* * *

AN: so everyone please push that nice little butten somewhere below ... exactlyyyy.....

here!!!

and leave an nice little review telling me what you think about it^^


	5. Ocean And Storm

AN/**well yes I'm sick and can't go to my classes. I miss a lot of stuff that is really important for my exams in to weeks but my teacher told me I'm not allowed to go to classes when I'm all feverish and looking like death on legs. So here I am cuddled up in my bed under a mountain of blankets writing a new chapter for you. Maybe you should thank the sneezing guy who sat beside me in theatre when I watched Faust, thanks to him I'm sick too and have the time to write instead of running around in school learning how to probably dance a tree and read "Die englische Ansage" from Loriot with and without th-errors^^. **

**Okay, let's get down to business and give you this new chapter I talked about earlier^^!**

* * *

Minerva woke in the middle of the night.

The last weak had been hard on her; she had been invited to the ministry for more information on _him_. They had asked stupid questions they already knew the answers of wasting over fife hours of her time.

She was getting more tired as of lately. Things that where normally child's play for her now weakened her a great deal.

Yesterday she had taken a nap after lunch for the first time since her toddler days!

Age began to take a toll of her; reading without her glasses was like suicide now compared to what it had been in her younger days.

She relied more and more on her deputy when it came to school-business. He managed the school nearly alone by now having her only for show in the headmaster office.

Maybe she should let him take over completely, yes Dumbledore had the school in his hands for much longer and had been older when he took it over from Dipped, but she needed alone time so badly!

She missed _him_ so badly. Thinking about him, reading his diaries got more and more painful with each passing day. Minerva had thought that the pain would lessen when she read his thoughts. Maybe even hoped that it would free her of her foolishness to love him, but no, it hadn't. It had only bound her stronger to him, secured her love for this unknown but all the while so familiar man.

Sighting she leaned back in her chair and looked out of the window again, she had made a habit out of it a while ago.

Yes quitting the headmaster position and giving over to Lupin would be for the best. She needed some peace and quiet!

* * *

Nymphadora Tonks looked at her old mentor with wary eyes; he was trying to get her to talk. She knew he was!

He hadn't talked in over an hour, just watched her like a hark! That was Med-Eye's way of telling her to spite it out already, and get it done with.

Of cause he knew that it had to be about the list of Death Eaters she had delivered to the ministry from a secret source. Nymphadora Tonks was not one to keep information from him when he really wanted them, so all he had to do was wait until she cracked!

And crack she did!

She was biting her lip and pressing her eyes shut a clear sign that she would blurt it all out if he asked now!

"Spit it out Dora! Who gave you the information about the Death Eaters?" Moody growled in a threatening voice.

Tonks squeaked, throwing her hands up in the air in surrender and shrieked: "Minerva! Minerva gave me a diary written by a Death Eater. He was madly in love with her and wrote letters to her in a book, like a diary. She found a list of everyone involved with Lord Voldemort and decided to give it to the Ministry anonymous."

As soon as it was out she wanted to punish herself like a house-elf. She had just told ALISTOR MAD-EYE MOODY that Minerva McGonagall had had connections to the Death Eaters during the war. No matter what she would say to protect Minerva he wouldn't believe her.

Her worst fears came true when Moody stud as fast as he could, screaming bloody murder and cursing like Charlie Weasley on dragon hunt.

"Minerva collaborated with this snake pit of scum and insane murdering slippery slimy brainless peaces of shit?!"

He was out of the door before Dora cold think of anything to say. Of cause she had heard him swear before and he was nothing compared to Sirius' little fits of bad language, but hearing Minerva's name in the same sentence with words like that was shocking non the less.

For Minerva's sake she hoped that Moody cooled of until he arrived at Hogwarts.

* * *

Minerva sat in her office reading a little bit more in the last of the diaries.

For her there were clear signs all over the pages that he had been so close to switch sides, so close to just showing up at her doorstep, so close to being with her. Narcissa was right about him being a torturer, but as no one but Voldemort had known who was hiding behind these special masks, it was impossible to tell who of them had been her loved one.

_Dear my love,_

_Isn't it funny?_

_I love my enemy and even help the little Potter prat to escape my "Master's" hands by killing young boys who where placed trustingly under my care by their loving parents. _

_I am a cheat am I not?_

_It's against the rules to get suddenly interested in your fingernails when a certain bushy haired little witch happens to cross your path in the hall. _

_I had the chance to kill so many of your side but I notice that I seem to always miss them by accident when aiming a lethal curse. Stunners however hit them just fine._

_Hopefully the giggling little bitch doesn't notice, otherwise she'll tell the slimy snake-face._

_No I don't want to think about the things that will happen to me should he ever find out about me cheating in his little game._

_He cheats himself but don't tell my love._

_He told us to not harm the Weasley girl too badly. No killing curses or things that would hurt her._

_I wonder why!_

…

_Minerva?_

_I'm flying._

_Nothing is hurting me anymore._

_Things get fussy around the edges._

_All is nice and warm. _

_I think I understand now why Muggles like this stuff._

_It hurts to take it but then…_

_I don't like needles! They are creepy!_

_But this is so good!_

_Merlin I don't care if they find out. Maybe I should just walk into the downstairs hall and tell the slimy bastard what exactly I think about him! _

_Yes that's a good Idea!_

Minerva was a little shocked that someone as good at surviving as Him would do something so stupid. But as a fact he had survived until the final battle so maybe he had come to his senses before he said something that would have gotten him killed.

The Idea of a Death Eater calling the Dark Lord a slimy snake-faced bastard and other obscenities in front of everyone's ears was amusing however.

The door sprang open with a bang, revealing Alistair Moody in a rage worthy of a breading dragon female.

Minerva was not entirely sure what had his temper in such a state but became a creeping suspicion when his eyes settled on the book in front of her and gleamed with mad anger.

"I thought you of all people know that they are all dirty little fanged fubberworms! Minerva we all trusted you with our lives and you betrayed us by having one of them in you bed?

How could you use our trust in you?" he hissed at her starting to scream incoherent swearwords before she was able to say anything. He knew, Dora had talked and now it would happen exactly what she had tried to prevent. The question was now who knew that she had a Death Eaters diaries and who didn't. if the medias knew there would be an official trail before the ministry, if it where only a few Aurors they would investigate ask some more questions, realize that she had only met him twice in her live, once of that on a battlefield. They would know that Narcissa Malfoy had found the diaries at the Manor and given them to her because they seamed to be letters to her.

Nothing to bad would happen if the papers where out of this.

She didn't really pay attention to Alistair's words, so she didn't notice when he stopped his rant mid sentence and looked watched in pure horror as the lights began to flicker.

"Minerva… what in Merlin's name…?" he broke of starring at a point behind her.

She turned but there was nothing but the great window overlooking the school grounds of Hogwarts.

"Alistair? Are you all right? You look like you have seen a Dementor." She asked a little concerned when he kept starring at the window.

"I don't know Minerva, I don't know. Must have been a shadow, or a refection. My old mind is starting to play tricks on me I think." He looked tired now and defiantly calm enough to talk to.

"Alistair there never happened anything between us. I never betrayed the Order!"

She sighted like she did every time she explained this.

"He saved me from doing something stupid when I was a young girl. I only saw him this one time, well as far as I noticed him at last. According to his diaries I witnessed his trail and got stunned by him a few times in the battle in Diagon Ally. The next time I saw him and knew it was him was when he fought with Bill down in the Hall. That was one or two minutes before he died by Bills hand. I could have saved him but I didn't, isn't that prove of my loyalty enough?"

She was back to her old self for a moment, harsh voice, cold face, thin lips and all.

"Narcissa gave his diaries to me when she found them hidden in his room while cleaning up. They all addressed me so she thought it was the right thing to do."

Moody didn't seem to listen at all, his eyes were still fixed at the window and fear began to spread on his face. What ever he saw must be something that got under his normally well protected skin.

Wide eyed he started rambling slowly walking backwards. She looked back again but could see nothing but the school grounds.

"Can't be possible…"

"Died long ago…"

"Dragged him into his cell my self…"

"Saw him fall of the cliff…"

"Don't know why they even looked…"

"Dead and gone…"

"Impossible!"

Minerva was confused. There was nothing!

One moment everything as alright and the next Moody seemed to be completely insane.

"Alistair… are you okay?"

He looked at her as if he saw her for the first time then stormed of without another word as if harpies haunted him.

Something was defiantly wrong! But what she could not quiet pinpoint. He must have seen something in the glass. Because there was nothing out of order on the round. She turned around and fixed the big glass surface, searching for something that would scare the old Auror.

As hard as she tried she could find nothing. A light tickle on her neck made her scratch the skin and swat a way the course of the offending tickle.

A short time later a strange feeling went down from the side of her neck, over her arm to her wrist, sending an approving shiver along her spine. She looked back but what ever had caused this was gone, leaving nothing but a faint smell of ocean and summer storms.

The smell caught her off guard; it was the same smell that was still clinging to the book pages of his diaries. It was the same smell as the one sticking to his torn Death Eater robes secretly kept hidden in her closet.

This should make her uncomfortable but it comforted her instead. Even if it meant that she was going mental, because it was impossible that this smell was hear in her office, it gave her some peace deep down in her heart.

* * *

AN/**I think the next one will be up by tomorrow night, maybe another on Sunday. because yes I am still sick and have nothing else to do. If you have any questions just ask in a little review or PM me I'll answer as soon a possible. but feel free to review even if you don't have questions, reviews make me happy and when I'm happy it will help me to get better^^ Review for my health... I don't want to sneeze anymore!**


	6. Somewhere Save

**AN/ I'm so sorry that it took so long to update when I promised you the new chapers to be upthe next day. Well they where written and sell-checked but I couldn't find the time to post them. Now here is one the first. I have tomake a little change on the second befor I post is but I should be able to do it tonight. Have fun and lots of cookis for everyone who stays with me even when I fail to keep my promises^^ I do have a lot to do at the moment!**

* * *

It was still dark outside when Minerva woke with a shock, sitting upright in her bed.

The feeling that had woken her was that something brushed her cheek, like butterfly wings, soft and gentle. With a sight she sank back into her pillows taking a deep breath to calm her nerves. And there it was again, ocean and storm. The smell followed her wherever she went.

At a visit to Ron and Hermione two days earlier, the other women had asked her if she had been on holyday at the cost, because the smell lingered even in her closes.

She could not understand how it happened that his smell followed her and came of everything around her, but it felt good. It felt like he was with her all the time, watching over her like a guardian angle.

Like a guardian angle, that was what he had been on the tower fifty years ago. Time had gone by so fast! It had already been ten years since he died. So long ago…

Biting her lip, she crawled out of her bed, grabbing a cloak and the diary on her nightstand. Now was as good as ever to take a walk to the graveyard!

The night air was cool and crawled into her bones with long spidery wet fingers. Hogwarts at night was always a remarkable sight, with thick mist wavering around the grounds it looked like a dark fairytale. With ivy on the facades, and other magical crawling and climbing plants that grew seemingly wild on everything around the castle.

Shivering he walked along the lake until she reached the Forbidden Forrest and then followed its tree line to the graveyard gates. This graveyard had only very few visitors the was another on for the ones of the "light side" as the families of most of the so called war heroes didn't want there loved ones to lye in the same earth as the Death Eaters.

Minerva thought this more than unfair, for only few of the Death Eaters families dared to visit the graves of their dead now that they where so openly outcasts. Where was the difference between the Death Eaters who disliked people for there blood and wanted to ban them from society and what was now done to them?

If you lived with an eye for an eye as philosophy you could only loose in the end, war would never stop like this.

At night it seemed to be darker here then outside of the inclosing walls of the graveyard, the darkness pooled here as if it was drawn to the tombs. It was the kind of dark that sent shivers down you spine and crawled under your skin.

Minerva's feet found there way through the lines without difficulty, she had walked it countless times since the war had ended. Each and every Death Eater had found here his or her final rest. Lines and lines of gravestones, some with names, some with birth and death dates, some with nothing on them at all, just blank stones in a long line of others. One of them was different through; it looked like all the others if you didn't know what you were looking for. In the middle of the stone where artful fine lines engrafted.

_Et si tu crois que j'ai eu peur, c'est faux _

_Et si tu crois que c'est fini, jamais  
Et si tu crois que je t'oubli, ecoute _

_Et, fais comme si j'avais pris la mer  
j'ai glisse sous le vent  
Fais comme si je quittais la terre  
J'ai trouve mon etoile et de séjour  
_

No one really took the time to read what was engraved on these stones, otherwise they would realize that this specific Death Eater grave was not only visited on a regular basis, but they would see as well that the French words on the stone were thought through, and not some random lines families wrote on gravestones. Not something like "loving husband, caring father, good friend" or "lived and died for his believes". Normally families would write something that would tell strangers something about the person lying in the grave, but this one would only tell you something if you truly knew the one lying there as well as the one who wrote the lines.

As a fact, no one knew whose grave it was and no one knew who wrote the engraftment.

Minerva smiled as here eyes settled on the familiar words. She found them in one of his diaries translated in sixteen languages. They must have meant a lot to him. She understood only the deeper meaning of o few of them.

_If you thought I was afraid, you are wrong._

No afraid was the wrong term to describe him and what he was feeling. To proud to back out of a suicide mission was more to it.

_If you thought it was over, never._

It was difficult to catch his drift on this one. Maybe it was about him braking down or giving up, perhaps killing himself.

_If you thought I forgot you, listen_

Of cause he had not forgotten, writing letters to her like others wrote diaries could be called obsession but not forgetting her.

_And if I where out on the ocean,_

_I would sail with the wind._

_And if I left the earth,_

_I would find my star and stay._

She had not the slightest idea what he meant with that. With time, maybe the meaning would come to her.

With a sight she set down by his grave opened the diary and read aloud. It felt good to pretend to be reading it to him.

_Dear my darling,_

_I've gotten a new task. _

_The Dark Lord thinks I kill the freshys too often._

_Well of cause I do!_

_I get them into training to make them come out a winner when they fight. No easier way in doing this then fighting live and death battles with them._

_There problem is that they cannot beat me._

_They are still children most of the time._

_So I call them in and fight them one on one._

_Sometimes I let them attack me in a group._

_However, they are selfish and refuse to work together._

_Therefore, I kill them one after the other._

_The Dark Lord thinks it is the best way to train them too, but as it is, they do not survive a week with me._

_That is why he gave me another task. _

_Now I am to watch some of his prisoners._

_He made it clear that he doesn't want them to survive my treatment. _

_But I cannot do it, I cannot kill them._

_They are just infants and toddlers._

_I have to get them out of here before someone asks about them._

_But where._

_If I turn them over to the Order I'm dead and the little ones as well. _

_Malfoy Manor is not save for them._

_Or me for the matter._

_But I can defend myself, they can't._

_I need a place where no one will find them._

_I need a place where they will be watched and taken care of._

_I need a place that is big enough for the nine of them._

_I need a place…_

_Oh I know a place!_

_No one will go there!_

_No one will want to be near there!_

_The house-elves can take care of them!_

_And it is more than big enough._

_The wards on the house and grounds are unbreakable._

_I dare say it is saver than Hogwarts._

_Only one way in and out of the grounds._

_The gates will only open for me and the ones I choose to be allowed inside._

_Not even my brother will be able to get to them._

_My house my rules._

_But no one has been there since I was sent to Askaban…_

So he had his own house. She knew he must have one but he never mentioned it.

Even before Askaban he seamed to stay somewhere else. Something about the house seemed to drive him away. Maybe bad memories, or even the loneliness of the place.

Things like that where hard to tell with him.


	7. Cliffs And Mountains

AN/** and here we go with the next chapi, I hope you like it. We have half of only fore or five more chapters to go I think. I do have another Idea for a story however. Good god I'm going to miss this story once it is finished! Luckily, it isn't finished jet! Have fun wit the new chapter and pleeeeeease reviewwwww!**

* * *

_Dear my Love,_

_It was nearly too easy to get them out of Malfoy Manor._

_No one asked me where I was taking the little ones when I walked out of the door with them._

_They just assumed I was disposing of them one by one._

_I took them to my home and ordered the elves to take care of them._

_Nippy asked me if the child was mine when I apparated into the kitchens with the first one in my arms._

_I told her that they where mine to take care of but that a didn't have the time._

_I asked her to take care of them for me._

_She nearly fell over herself in her joy to serve me after all this time._

_I have never seen the elves so happy._

_They love to take care of the kids._

_I understand why!_

_They are so breakable, so small…_

_It makes my heart ache to see them now in their beds sleeping tightly._

_These innocent little humans are under my care now._

_Tiny human beings, to young to care for themselves, to small to even speak._

_And now me of all people has the task to protect them against all evil!_

_I am evil!_

_I am a monster!_

_But hell I will keep them save when they sleep in the dark of the night._

_And they will have nothing to fear,_

_Because their guardian is biggest, scariest, most evil monster that is in this dame darkness!_

_Dear my Darling,_

_Nathan the oldest of the children started to speak again to day._

_He's only three but his speech it remarkable good._

_The curse cut on his cheek is healing well but it will leave a horrible scare non the less…_

_He called me guardian angle._

_He told me his mommy told him that there is a guardian angle out for him that will protect him._

_He asked me if I as his angle could watch over his mother too._

_I told him I would try._

Minerva sobbed in silence.

He had saved the children he had been ordered to kill!

But where were they now?

Where was the house he had taken them to?

The boy he had talked about, Nathan, he must be somewhere around in Hogwarts if he had magical blood.

With a start, she shut the book and stormed of back up to the castle, stumbling on her way and falling over her own feet.

When she reached her office, she nearly fell through the door and flew to the table with the book of all the students who had ever attended the school.

She opened it and looked for the right year.

No Nathan with the right age!

She cursed loudly. They must be somewhere out there; there must be a hint as to where his home was located.

Slightly annoyed she sat down at her desk and opened the diary again.

There hat to be a hint!

_Dearest Love,_

_I thought I would never return home._

_I thought I wouldn't be able to stand being here._

_Walking the lonely gardens, strolling the empty corridors._

_I thought it would kill me to live here without living a normal live._

_Without living with you…_

_But here I am!_

_Living,… no not living… I can't live without you!_

_I haven't lived since the day I met you._

_God knows that since the day we met I'm surviving, yes, but not living._

_So here I am in the house I vowed I would never set a foot in without you at my side and you wearing my ring. And I'm still surviving._

_It feels good to have the kids around me._

_They are so innocent, so pure!_

_Dearest Love,_

_Sophie cried today until Wonky didn't know what to do anymore._

_He took here to me and the instant she was in my arms the little thing was an angle again. Cooing and babbling like the happiest Baby alive._

_Funny thing is that the moment I lay her in her crib again she screamed her lounges. I picked her back up and she smiled, laughed and reached out for me with her small hands. _

_No matter what I did she wouldn't keep quiet unless I carried her around with me._

_I'm spending the day with her on the cliffs, watching the ocean. _

_It's nice here I can sit here legs dangling down the edge, the water crashing against the stone beneath me. _

_Sophie likes it too I think, right now she is gripping the edge of my book, babbling happily like the talkative infant she is. _

_Do you know how hard it is to write without leaving ink stains everywhere while a baby is tugging on what you are writing on?_

_I swear the next time I won't have her laying in my lap while I'm writing!_

_It's a pity that I can't take her out to a hick in the mountains._

_The protection of the wards can only be stretched to a certain point without weakening them._

_The cliffs are part of the gardens as is the little bay a little down the shore._

_Maybe I can take the kids there when they are a little older._

She thought for a moment then pulled out some paper and a quill and wrote to Tonks, asking for a list of the homes of all the Death Eater Homes the ministry knew of. In an afterthought, she asked for her to mark the addresses of the houses which owner had been in Askaban and already fought and survived the first war.

With a sight, she leaned back in her chair and looked out of the window. The sun was already up and a group of students was on its way to "care of magical creatures".

Like the last nights, she had nearly gotten no sleep. If it kept going like this, she would start sleeping while eating at some point, or something equally horrible.

She read the last entry again. He was so tender with the little girl, he sounded so loving. Her heart hurt as the thought of him holding a baby in his arms sneaked into her head. Only that this was his child not some strangers.

Her child!

Their child!

A small sob wrenched its way out of her throat; tears escaping her tightly pressed close lids.

It would have been so easy for them if it hadn't been for Voldemort. They could have been so happy. She could have been one of these stay at home moms who cooed, laughed, and cuddled with their little ones the whole day.

She could have been one of these wives who waited nervous with happiness at the door every evening waiting for her beloved husband holding a little child in her arms while the older ones were running around the house.

They could have been so happy!

It would have been so easy for them!

It would have felt so good!

Tears where running down her freely as she walked up the stairs into her quarters to change into her robes.

When she looked into the mirror she was shocked. Her face was red an puffy from crying. The tear hadn't stopped flowing jet, and there was a hurt in her eyes that scared her. She wished so badly that this dreams of them together could be true, it hurt so much to only dream.

And there it was again. His smell filled the room and enveloped her like a blanked. Inhaling deeply she closed her eyes relishing in the feeling of warmth that accompanied the smell and closed around her like strong, caring arms.

Slowly the pain and tears subsided, her heart bead calmed, she relaxed into the warmth and opened her eyes.

There looking back at her in the mirror stood a woman that she cold only barley recognize as her. The traces of war und heartbreak had vanished and were replaced with a deep peace and glowing happiness. Behind her stood a tall handsome man, he held himself with some kind of aristocratic grace and smiled happily at her as well.

It was him, so undeniably him, but without all the scares, it was him the way he would have looked had he not have fought battles from a too young age on.

Holding her breath, she turned her head but saw nothing. She looked back into the mirror and there he was holding her gently in his arms, chin resting on her shoulder. She could fell his warmth, the weight of his head on her shoulder, the soft kisses he applied to her neck, and for a moment she didn't care if it was real or illusion or just some kind of magic.

For a moment, she was happy!


	8. Authors Note

I'm sorry guys but a fear I have a little writers block due to the stress of having exams.

By Wednesday, it will all be over and then the summer holydays are fast approaching so I will have more time to write. I will update until then but it will take a little longer then usual. I do know what I want to write I just can't find the right words to get it down. (That's the problem when you think more in pictures than in words from time to time.) Maybe a little digging through my old CDs and reading something non-potterish will help me get my muse back to work. The moment I mange to get my hands on her lazy neck I swear I will drag her back to my desk and chain her to my chair until the next chapter is posted!

Have a nice day everyone and if you something to get over a writers block fell free to tell me in a little review or PM me.

Inc and Ivory

PS: I will delete this note when I post the new chapter.


	9. Realization

AN/**This is not the original chapter I wanted to post at this point but then this little plot-bunny bounced my way and wanted to be written. well it is short but there will be more to come within no time. I decided that there was a little explaining to do before I can tell you the rest of this story. So here we have this little explanation written so you can understand my line of thoughts when we face the next chapter. Have fun my dearly loved readers and please review, remember how much I love reviews!**

**Oh and by the way I passed all my exams and got a bunch of really god grades, so my and your suffering (long gaps between updates and writersblock) were not in vein!**

**I promise to update faster again. My muse is back so nothing is in my way now!**

Dearest Love

In all my live and through its horrors I have never felt as if there is no light at the end of the tunnel.

In all my live even in times of deepest darkness I always knew that I would survive.

In all my live as murderer, torturer, prisoner, blinded teenage boy, student, arrogant spawn of devils, I always believed in my abilityto get away withmurder with out being discovered and punished.

I don't belive in this ability anymore!

I don't see a light at the end of the tunnel!

I don't know if I will survive this time.

And to be honest I don't know if I even want to survive.

If the Dark Lord wins this war I'm going to always sit between the chairs. I have little children in my house, I need to look after them. The only way to do so is to distance myself from the Dark Lord. He will never allow this, he is already in a fit because of me not staying at Malfoy Manor all th time. He would make me tell him that is keeping me away, and then he would torture my little ones to death right in front of my eyes.

That done he would start on me. He would find out about everything I did to sabotage him and it would take very long for me to die.

If Potter wins this war there will be not much hope for me either. The moment they could get their hands on me my death would be signed. Of cause I would tell them about the children and I would give the house to one of them so they could get in and bring them back to their parents after my death. But for me there would only be death or the Dementors kiss.

It seams that no matter what will happen in the rest of the war and no matter who winns in the end my fate is sealed.

I sold my soul to the devil in a wave of childish ignorance and now I have to face the consequences, there will be rescuefor a lot of people on both sides no matter who wins but for me there will be nothing.

Given the choice I would choose a death in battle.

I could die in honer this way.

I could face death head on with all the pride that I once possessed but that is now only a shell, a hollow mask.

I could hold my head high and face Morrighan as the man that I am and not who my live forced me to be.

Minerva…

I'm going to die and there is nothing I can do about it.

There are only weeks left until the final battle, everything is planed and now we are only waiting for the potter boy to give away his location.

The moment we now the Dark Lord will call us and we will start the fight.

Merlin maybe I will not even have a few weeks left to live, maybe it's only days or hours.

I only wish I could see you one more time before I die. One more time when I'm not wearing a mask so you can see me, recognize me, remember me.

* * *


End file.
